Chapter 1: The Call to Vengeance Early one sunny Sydney Saturday, the tiny town of Tempe was buzzing with life. Every which way its residents and passers-by moved, carried by planes, trains and cars, trucks, buses and motorbikes. And for a while, nothing interesting happened. Later that same morning nothing interesting was still happening - and it wasn't until mid-afternoon that Avenger Agi at last stirred and rose from his bed, deep within the Cavern of Calculating Malice. "Mmm," said our hero, removing his breakfast from the microwave, "soggy pizza." "Morning Steve," said a housemate - who, even after 12 months of living in the Cavern, remained oblivious to Agi's astounding double-life, "you're not using the washing machine are you?" "No," Avenger Agi replied cooly, deftly keeping his secret intact. But under his breath he muttered, "I have more important matters to attend to. Matters of vengeance." By the glint in his eye, you knew that he meant it. Avenger Agi entered the Room of Death. So it was named, for in it was housed Avenger Agi's most prized posession and partner - The Bicycle of Death. Agi has deftly thwarted the attempts of potential roommates to gain accommodation in the Room of Death via cunning song-and-dance displays to provoke fear and concern in the hearts of those who tried. "Hello, Bicycle of Death," he greeted it, "what do we have in store for us today?" "Death," intoned the bicycle, the statement not so much a prophecy but a request. "Exacting vengeance need not mean death," Avenger Agi, Protector of the Good, reminded his counterpart, "but yes I suppose it is more exciting." The bicycle smiled, as only Bicycles of Death can do. "I'm.. going for a ride," Avenger Agi remarked off-handedly to his housemates as he strapped on his Stackhat of Punishment. "Oh. Where to?" one asked. Avenger Agi hesitated. Did they suspect? Did they know? If so, for how long? Remain calm. Remain calm. "Um.. I.. don't know. Nothing else to do." Avenger Agi wiped sweat from his brow. Good save, he thought to himself. "Okay, have fun!" He was free. Avenger Agi and the Bicycle of Death landed on Collins street with a clatter and headed off towards Sydenham - in search of Evil. The world was in their care. Passing Sydenham Station and the Marrickville Council utility centre, which its rows upon rows of garbage trucks, the duo headed between St Peters and Enmore, up a narrow one-way street where bushy terraces huddled together around shirtless residents lounging on their verandahs; their cars all parked half-on-half-off the road. They swung out onto King Street as the sun beat down on the sunglass-clad pedestrians. "What a lovely day for exacting vengeace on an enemy who sorely deserves it, wouldn't you say? Bicycle of Death?" Avenger Agi swerved left and right dodging jaywalkers and opening car doors as they cruised past the Newtown traffic jam. "Death," agreed the Bicycle. Past the station they mounted the footpath. The concourse was crisscrossed with brass plaques, carved with images and mottos reflecting the culture and ideas of the eccentric local community. Heading away from City Road they entered the quiet backstreets of Newtown and discovered a park. "Memorial Park," mused The Avenger. "Death," noted the Bicycle. "Yes, it is strange the people feel a park is sufficient payment for the sacrifice of death. Surely a good hard dose of vengeace would be more fullfilling." Shaking his head, he rode on. In the park was a strange sculpture that looked like a kind of 3x3 foot maze, tilted sideways. In the middle of which was a city-like assortment of jutting metal points. There was no nearby sign of plaque of explanation. Chapter 2: The Cemetary of Death Back in the streets, the quaint, cramped terraces became quainter and more cramped. Avenger Agi noticed four in a row, each painted a different pastal shade, called "Lilac," "Pansy" and two other flower names he later forgot. It was a land that time forgot. Around a corner they came across a very old sandstone church, called St. Stephen's. Upon further inspection Avenger Agi discovered it was designed by the same architect that designed the more reknowned St. Andrew's chuch next to the Sydney Town Hall. His grave, along with his wife's, could be found in Camperdown Cemetary, behind the church, one of the most beautiful cemetaries Avenger Agi had ever seen. "Death," exclaimed the Bicycle with delight. "There is no time to explore cemetaries now, Bicycle of Death, vengeance is at hand!" "Death!" insisted the Bicycle. They found a box with self-guided tour sheets in it and set off. Just inside the gates was the most enormous Moreton Bay Fig Avenger Agi has ever laid eyes on. Its branched stretched a good 50 meters in diameter, from the church to to the old Cemetary lodge, that was built in the mid-1800's at the same time the tree was planted. It had roots you could play hide-and-seek in. A bunch of giggling gothic girls strode past, clad all in black and neon pink, to enjoy peace and dark serenity of an afternoon in the depths of the cemetary. Avenger Agi and the Bicycle of Death wandered slowly around looking at the graves of famous people. Many of the headstonee were carved like boats and ships, or were made out of their very anchors or propellor blades. The cemetary appeared devoted to maritime death, with many of its residents having "drowned in the harbour", or fallen victim to shipwreck. The boundary wall of the cemetary was lined with headstones of many shapes and sizes; an explanation in the guide said that the cemetary was originally larger and that all the headstones on the other side of the wall were moved inside and stacked against it. Behind the wall was Memorial Park. "Death," sighed the Bicycle happily. "Indeed," replied Avenger Agi. Chapter 3: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold Soon they were back in the tangled web of one-way streets that makes Camperdown such a pleasant, albeit inconvinient, place to live. "Be always alert for the call to Vengeance!" Avenger Agi reminded the Bicycle, "these streets seem peaceful enough, yet behind their endearing colonial walls I'll warrant there is evil afoot!" "Death," agreed the bicycle. Avenger Agi started to feel a bit uneasy with his companion. It wasn't long before they found Parramatta Road and crossed it. Avenger Agi tried to figure out where they were. "Hmm," he pondered, "where the fuck are we?" "Death." "I will decide how desparate our situation is!" Light was soon thrown on the subject when they past another old sandstone church, this one now renamed to the trendy "Abbey Restraunt". They were in Glebe. Avenger Agi stopped beside the Glebe Rest Park and looked up. "What an evil mistress be the Sun," he cried, "for while she be a warm colleague, give her too much time, and she shall roast you to the core!" "Death?" asked the bicycle. "Surely, if I do not at once purchase some sunscreen," said Avenger Agi and chained the Bicycle to a No Standing sign. Avenger Agi didn't trust his counterpart to its own devices, and in fact this was the first time he had ever left the Bicycle alone in public, fettered or not. Avenger Agi entered a pharmacy across the road and declared, "some of your finest skin-protection lotion on the double!" But the room was deserted. Avenger Agi found some on a shelf and twiddled his thumbs until the lotion-merchant appeared from her laboratory out the back. Double-checking on the welfare of Bicycle of Death's by-passers he visited a supermarket and purchased some Starbursts. Another customer was explaining the the Vendor of the Starburts her theory. "I think we really need to mount an offensive and take Pyrmont and Ultimo." Avenger Agi hadn't the slightest clue what she was on about, but it sounded like vengeace! He smiled encouragingly to her, despite the fact that she appeared in no condition to lead Glebe in an assault on two other inner-city suburbs. When Avenger Agi returned to the Bicycle of Death, he lead it to a nearby seat where he proceeded to put suncream on while watching the well-dressed young citizens of Glebe laughing and bouncing down the streets. As he was rubbing the cream vigorously into his face a trio walked past and the nearest remarked, "oh, look at this poor guy." Avenger Agi looked up happily, holding the suncream bottle. "Oops." Avenger Agi had just calculated an ironic revenge for the "innocent" error the girl had made, mistaking our hero's skin preservation for crying, when he realized that she and her friends had long disappeared. Shrugging, he remounted the Bicycle of Death. Vengeance could wait. There was time. Chapter 4: Russian Retribution Zooming down a hill to Wentworth Park and skirting an old greyhound racing ground, Avenger Agi psyched himself for the coming hill, an extremely steep 100-meter stretch up to Harris Street that he had never before attemped, let alone completed. Today he made it without even breaking a sweat. He gave the Bicycle of Death a thankful pat; at last he was conquering the threat of uphills. Even geographical features can be avenged. Weaving through the museums and hotels behind Darling Harbour, the Deadly Duo headed North. "I smell Russians," sniffed Avenger Agi. "Death," said the Bicycle. A sixth sense told the Avenger that somewhere nearby Soviet militants had infiltrated the city. "Russians! Surely those guys will be require a little swift vengeace of the Agi kind. I'm not sure why but I intend to find out!" They cruised down to the Star City Casino, past the Foxtel Studios and along the wharf beside the Harbour. The city of Sydney towered in sparkling blue glass over the water. Swinging around a corner, there it was. A Russian space shuttle. "How ingenious!" gasped Avenger Agi, "the rascals have attacked from the very place we would least expect - outer space!" "Death!" suggested the Bicycle. "If it comes to that." said our hero, coldly. Avenger Agi tied the Bicycle to a support of the shuttle's hanger bay. "Now if any skivvy-wearin', snow-shovelin', ballet-dancin' Soviet dog tries to get away in that thing, they'll have the Bicycle of Death to deal with!" "Death." "So be it." Avenger Agi approached the so-called Ticket Office. "Hi," said Avenger Agi, "I'd like to 'purchase' and 'ticket'." He was willing to play along with their little game - for now. "That'll be $19.50." What!? he thought, you scum-sucking no-good beef-stroganoff-eatin' Commie! Consider yourself on my Vengeance List. There ain't no getting off that! But on the outside nothing could be seen of his inner thoughts, save a slight squinting of the eyes, and he handed over the money. Avenger Agi went inside and looked around. He had infiltrated the complex. He acted casual. The walls were lined with photos and information on the history Russian cosmological technology. Avenger Agi had a photographic memory. "Good afternoon sir," the thick Russian accent was evident in the tour guide who approached him, "there'll be a briefing starting in just a few minutes, through these doors." Avenger Agi smiled and nodded. But he thought, big mistake pal! You should be careful who you talk to, I can read between the lines - now you'll have one more attendee at your top secret mission briefing! Vengeance shall be mine, oh yes! And he snuck in through the doors. Numerous monitors outlined the plans for the space shuttle - its history and construction, its triumph and glory. Avenger Agi noted it all. The key to successful avenging is information. After the briefing was finished, Avenger Agi's keen observation was rewarded when he noticed one of the Soviet workers opening a door to the hanger bay. Quick as a flash he was through it. And there was the space shuttle. "Holy Tchaikovsky!" he cried as he took it all in. The shuttle was enormous, at least twice the size he would have imagined. Around the hanger were more displays containing more vital informaion on the Russian side the space race that Avenger Agi has previously been unaware of. "Fools! I shall find your Achilles' heel, and then you shall taste bitter Agi vengeance!" Avenger Agi entered a second briefing room whereupon he was treated to another display of Soviet achievment with the aid of special "3D Glasses" he had lifted from an unsuspecting "assistant" on his way in. He then stole through a door in the back of the screening room. At last, he had gained access to the shuttle. Avenger Agi flattened himself against the super-heat-resistant tiles. If they discovered him here his mission was surely over. After a quick visual recon, he lept up the stairs on the outside of the shuttle and had a look inside. The contents of the cockpit were facinating. Old-style buttons and levers and dials covered the interior. The seats were equiped with rails along which they could be fired in an emergency, ejecting the pilots out into space. Explosive charges lined the sunroof glass. Avenger Agi's eyes tightened as he sucked on a Starburst. "Bingo." He crept along the scaffolding to the cargo bay, and then to the engines. The entire machine was a awe-inspiring and scary technological achivement - the Russians leaving open views to the complex inner-workings of the spacecraft. At last Agi made his way to the exit. Could he escape undetected? He jogged along towards daylight and suddenly stopped. He looked around. Trapped! He was in a souvenier shop. Taking a deep breath he ran for it, dodging sales staff and hanging mobiles he burst through the doors and back into the glaring brightness of the Pyrmont wharf. Safe. He headed back towards the Bicycle of Death. "Hi! hold on a second there!" Avenger Agi froze. He turned around. A beautiful young woman was approaching him, carrying a clipboard. Avenger Agi braced himself, vengeance at the ready. "Yes?" "I was just wondering if I could ask you a few questions about what you thought of the space shuttle exhibit." A few quetions indeed! I can see through your thin disguise, evil temptress. Your so-called survey doesn't fool me !Avenger Agi knew what the Russians were up to. They were onto him and they wanted information. He couldn't let them know he suspected anything. The wisest avenger keeps his target in the dark until the last minute. He popped another Starburst. "Certainly." He answered the spy's questions as carefully as he could. It was important to satisfy them, even if it meant lies. "Thank you!" she said at last. Avenger Agi smiled, and waited for what he knew was coming next. If she hadn't taken the bait she would move onto Step 2: the seduction. "Have a nice day!" said encouraged. Damn! I mean, excellent, he thought, the fools have fallen for it. "You too." "Death," said the Bicycle as Avenger Agi approached it. "Shut up." Chapter 5: Avenged Your Mother Last Night The pair reunited, they headed back along the foreshore towards Darling Harbour. Avenger Agi considered applying some hard-core seaside vengeance at the Maritime Museum, but after the Russians had robbed him almost dry he thought he'd better save his resources for an ice cream later. He'd be back another day. Turning around they prepared to enter the teeming throngs of Darling Harbour. But just as they were about to begin Avenger Agi was approached by a so-called "law" so-called "enforcement" so-called "officer". Avenger Agi kept a calm control on his Vengeance Instincts. "You can't ride that thing in Darling Harbour mate, unless you want a $200 fine." "Death!" whispered the Bicycle. "Patience!" Avenger Agi assured it, and looked back at up the officer, the cold promise of retribution burned in his eyes. Avenger Agi gave the man a look, a look that said it all, a look that said "Congratulations. You just made the Aveneger Agi Vengeance List." "It'll save me paperwork and you money." Saved your mum money last night, Avenger Agi thought, very pleased with his own remarkable wit. "Can I walk it?" "Thank you." "No problem," said Avenger Agi, but his tone said otherwise. Vengeance will be had, oh yes, and the officer knew it. Avenger Agi and the Bicycle of Death continued on foot through the crowd, always alert to the call for vengeance. He noticed that a lot of advertising posters that had been causing quite a feminist stir lately had been replaced with a slightly modified version. The phrase "Yes, God is really a man." had gone, and left only a picture of a woman's leg stepping out of a car, and a bottle of whisky. Now it made even less sense, but at least they'd made an effort. None of these new posters had graffiti. "Ah, vengeace at work," smiled Avenger Agi, "I love it." Upon reaching the Entertainment Centre, Avenger Agi once again replaced his feet on the Pedals of Penalty. They headed over the tramlines and up past the markets and the University of Technology. "Today's been a pretty slow day, vengeance-wise," Avenger Agi sighed whistfully. "Death," reminded the Bicycle. "Not much of that either, no." admitted the Avenger as he turned onto Broadway, hoping he wouldn't get Busted in the Bus Lane. Chapter 6: The Business of Vengeance is not Always Pretty Another entry was added to the Vengeance List of Avenger Agi when a bus almost crushed him as they passed the Foster's brewery. Now on the footpath, Avenger Agi had to slow when he reached a small crowd of people. It was then he noticed the police car parked on the median strip. "If I'm not mistaken, there is some vengeance in want," he said as he noticed an Ambulance too. "Death?" the Bicycle asked as they simultaneously spotted two bodies on the road. A blue BMW was stopped in the right lane, some severe damage to its read. As Avenger Agi moved past te ambulance he caught sight of a mangulated motorcycle lying twist on the ground behind the car. Ambulance officers attended to what appeared to be its two riders, lying in the lane beside it. One was on a stretcher, the other still on the asphalt. It was a gruesome sight. Avenger Agi's conscience wouldn't let him stop to see if there was any blood and in a few seconds the scene was out of sight. "Someone's going to pay for this!" cried Avenger Agi, as his veins filled with the deaded Avenger Anger. "Death!" cried the Bicycle, like-minded. "No doubt the culprit has sped away up Parramatta Road, after them!" Avenger Agi and the Bicycle of Death powered up Broadway towards Victoria Park, but were soon distracted by its pretty flowers and fountains. Chapter 7: The Importance of Education to the Budding Avenger "Ooh! Pretty flowers and fountains!" said Avenger Agi menacingly. "Death," said the Bicycle a little half-heartedly. Through the park and across City Road, the Deadly Duo continued and then made a spontaneous left turn so as to once again avoid the chaos of the Newtown shopping strip. Here Avenger Agi passed more buildings of the University of Sydney he didn't know existed. "Ah, education," he smiled happily, "a very important part of being an Avenger. For how can one know who to punish if one does not know thy enemy's sins?" "Death," said the Bicycle, impressed with his master's profundity. They found a nice, quiet street parallel to City Road and coasted along it. It was lined by a long brick wall which was scrawled with Grafitti of all kinds. One said "Wouldn't it be good if everyone was nice?" "It certainly wouldn't," laughed Avenger Agi, "I'd be out of a job! Haha!" "Death," said the bicycle non-commitally. They were soon lost somewhere in Macdonaldtown. Avenger Agi was just thinking what a surprisingly nice area it turned out to be when he saw a street named "Pleasant Avenue". They weaved around for a while and eventually found a place Avenger Agi recconised as Erskinville. He ducked into another random street. Kids were out playing. At the end of a street he noticed at very old looking arched bridge. As he approached it a train zoomed over it. Under he went and spotted an interesting looking path heading away from the road. At the end of the path Avenger Agi was surprised to find a vast concrete square, like a huge carparked. It was lined with industrial-looking buildings. "I smell trouble," said Avenger Agi, not wanting anymore run-ins with the so-called law. "Death?" asked the Bicycle hopefully. "No, just trouble I think." They turned around and took the long way. Avenger Agi had no idea where he was now. He's lost count of the train line he'd gone past (it was somewhere between one and two). "Death," said the Bicycle mournfully. "Don't be such a pessimist!" said Avenger Agi, "I'm sure we'll find our way." Turning a corner he was confronted with a large blue and black sign: ALEXANDRIA Avenger Agi gasped. Could it be? Had they at last stumbled upon the fabled great ancient Egyptian city? There would be eons of vengeance on the market here !Unfortunately it turned out to be Alexandria, the fabled industrial suburb of Sydney, famed for its clothing factory outlets. Avenger Agi headed in the general direction he suspected his headquarters to be. At last they came to giant old chimmney stacks of Sydney Park, with its curious grassy rolling hills and curving asphalt paths. Avenger Agi headed to the top of a hill. "How apt," he remarked to his Bicycle, "that this lovely park, laid on top of what once a gigantic rubbish tip, should be named after a city, whose rich culture and splendour was built up from what was once a colony for the unwanted human refuse of England?" "Death," said the Bicycle. "Look," said Avenger Agi, exasperated, "death has nothing to do with what I just said. That's doesn't even make sense. Shut up. Let's ride down this hill really fast!" And so they did, scattering residents and their ugly little dogs. The park was much bigger that Avenger Agi has expected and he rolled along the paths, enjoying the day. He rolled through the AIDS Memorial Grove. At last they were back in the side-streets of St Peters, and Avenger Agi was hungry. He spotted a KFC. "Urgh," he said. "Death," warned the Bicycle. "Potentially," said Avenger Agi. Avenger Agi looked at the long stretch of Prince's Highway before him. He looked back at the KFC. "Death," reminded the Bicycle. Twenty minutes later Avenger Agi left the KFC, wiping grease on his shorts. He unchained the Bicycle of Death from a lamp pole. "Death," growled the Bicycle. Chapter 8: Another Day's Avenging Well Done Avenger Agi and the Bicycle of Death coasted down the Prince's Highway towards Tempe. Trucks and buses zoomed past, and giant airlines roared overhead as they approached the nearby airport. Avenger Agi saluted them. In a few minutes they were swinging down Collins Street and back into the Cavern of Calculating Malice. "Well, Bicycle of Death, we certainly have had some wacky adventures today, haven't we. Haven't we?" Avenger Agi asked as they entered the Cavern. "Death," said the Bicycle. "The world is once again safe from evil," said Avenger Agi taking a glass from the overhead cupboard, "or at least its safe from evil getting away with being evil without a bit of good solid vengeance on its tail, eh?" Avenger Agi sighed happily, drank three glasses of water, and then cracked his skull on the cupboard door. Avenger Agi's eyes narrowed as he looked at the cupboard door, the Avenger Anger once again pumping through his veins. Then he slammed it. Really hard. |
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